Sunday, January 30, 2011

Thirty Second Post - Better

One of my sons recently posted  "needs to be a better person all the time" on his Facebook status. I think he's a pretty amazing person so it caused me to stop and respond.
"Better doesn't mean we're not good enough as we are. It does give us the option of doing things a different way. The question is: Are you WHO you are, or are you WHAT you do? Did you know the driving theme of my counselling business is - Better is Possible? I love you sweetie. FYI, I agree with Grandma" - who posted,
"We can all try to be better,,,thanks for being an example".
My sons response came quickly,
" Is this a quote from your blog, mom? I need to start reading that thing more often. Love".

So goes the life of our 2011 family. A family who correspond via Facebook and then further post our conversations in a blog.(except my middle child, who has me on a limited profile) My oldest son is in his late twenties and is truly an amazing human being. I love spending time with him, but along with amazing comes busy. Out of necessity we often make quick and short connections on Facebook (resist your urge to judge - we visit in person as often as he is available) 

When I started my blog, Better is Possible, I wrote that one day I would explain the title. Today is one day.

Years ago, my older brother and I were discussing how we were raised. Our house was pretty crazy in the best and not so best ways. My mom did what she could and needed to do to raise us. There were four of us;  from oldest to youngest there was a ten year span. She was a single mom as my dad left when my youngest brother was around two. What a daunting task! We were a lively bunch and each of us were involved in many activities. As children we didn't allow mom any time to grieve the loss of her marriage; she didn't have a break. In hindsight, I am amazed she raised us to adulthood without losing her mind. Was she always her best? Probably not, but who is at their best all of the time. Did she always do the right thing, make the best decisions. I sure didn't think so at the time. Considering her life experiences, with the impact of previous circumstances, I have no doubt that my mother loved us to the absolute best of her ability (and still does). 
Done reminiscing, older brother and I discussed the raising of our own children. Being the know it alls we are, we were determined to fix all the mistakes of how we were parented. It was during this conversation that my older brother made a profound comment that went something like this: 
"Carol, we're doing a good job, could it be better? Sure, but everything could always be better!"  Somewhere in there he also said something about maybe not looking for better, but a different way of doing. Not sure why that stuck, but it did. I often go back to that conversation. Not to beat myself up, but to remind myself that there is not one way to do things......there are options, some may even be better options than the ones we've chosen. 
Better is Possible, doesn't mean that we aren't good enough, or lovable enough, or human enough. It means that when we're stuck, or repeating patterns that aren't moving us forward, there may be a better (different) way of doing. Doing, not to be confused with Being!

So, to my Son I say,
"You are a good person! I admire your desire to be better. But, please don't think that the desire to be better means that who you are right now is not enough. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding can grow and deepen with life experience - I pray they do. As you move through the 'stuff' of your life to discover and acknowledge your soul's yearnings, you will find peace. Don't forget the God of your youth. Add His wisdom to yours, His peace to yours, His love to yours. He has placed in you the resources you need to be the man you are right now and will become. I love you, my son."

The journey isn't always easy, there is work involved. There are several links on the right side of my blog for anyone interested. We need human support in the journey. At times a trusted friend is sufficient, other times we need professional support. If you live in BC here's a link to the  BC Association of Clinical Counsellors These are registered professionals who can support you on your journey.

What do you know and accept about yourself today?

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."
— Anais Nin

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful rose and blog.
    I am sure you will make your mom cry.
    I am sure you are the apple of her eye.:)

    I found out that no matter what you do, be you good or be you bad,you are not in control of what your kids do, any more than they are in control, of what you do as a parent. This is why God teaches families to stick together because no one will love you or tell you the truth like your family.
    Cause they don't care if they hurt you by telling you the truth, no one else will.
    It's better to hurt you with the truth than let you live a lie and then be hurt anyway twice as hard.

    Oh well.