I hear it, the distant rumble of the dark cloud. It seems to be heading my way. Will it dissipate before it reaches me, or will it make its way right to my front door? Will it tap lightly or boldly walk right in?
Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. The Facebook wall posts have begun. They are filled with gratitude and thanksgiving. Today I don't feel grateful, nor thankful. Clearly I have much to be thankful for. On a cognitive level I rehearse my gratitude list. Yet, it seems, that as quickly as I write the good it dissolves into nothing.
There are many reasons why I am feeling this way today. Most of the time I can push this darkness aside and make my 'happy' list. Most of the time that works. It's not working today. Yes, I believe. Yes God is good. I'm not looking for affirmations; I know I am blessed.
Today, depression is attempting to corrupt my hard drive.
Today, the platitudes are irritating.
Today I am depressed.
I do not have the energy to put on my happy face and pass along greetings of Thanksgiving. Yet, that is the expectation. Not doing so will undoubtedly give rise to judgement. I listen to the judgement chirping in my ears as I write.
HOWEVER, I do know it will get better. I know that tomorrow is not today. I've been here before. Different circumstances, same feelings. My feelings are under siege, yet my faith is strong. My hope has been stocked piled like money in the bank; time for a withdrawal.
It is with faith and its shield that I will face today. No lists of why I'm thankful. No shoulds nor judgment.
Today I am me and me is not happy.
Tomorrow I will be me and it is with great hope that me will be restored to a healthier frame of mind.
I shall not open the door.