Thursday, December 29, 2011

118th Post - More

Daughter, sister, granddaughter, great granddaughter,
 niece, cousin, aunt, 
wife, mother, mother in law, step mother,

Teacher, Counsellor, Friend.

God-lover, God-believer, Follower of Christ.


So many roles! Each brings joy. Each brings sadness. There has been no predictable pattern, but I'm certain a mathematician, if they so desired could find a pattern, perhaps even a formula for my life.

As we make our final approach into 2012, I have a wonder about 'more'? Am I not more than my introductory list? What am I the most of? Am I mostly mother? Am I mostly wife? What about friend? Can I be relative and friend? Just friend? Just relative? 

Is there one way to categorize who we are? Is my responsibility mostly to my children? to God? to my parents? to my husband? to my grandchildren? Or I am firstly responsible to me?

Sadly we've attended several funerals in 2011. Ages of the deceased ranged from 12 to 89. Deaths occurred by car accident, suicide, cancer, and old age; an elderly body done its job of living. The minister, my own reverend, officiated at the latest service. He reminded us that as we celebrate the life of another; as we lay a fellow traveller to their final rest, we can not help but question our own mortality. I am confident; as confident as one can be with a faith based belief, that when I pass I will be embraced into the arms of a loving Heavenly Father and be at complete peace. I am looking forward to having time to ask all those big questions!

"So, God....what about...? and why did YOU...? "

I'm not afraid of being dead, but I am apprehensive about the dying process. I do not like doing things for the first time. I do not like doing things wrong! There is no manual for dying. My fear is that I won't do it right. Sounds silly perhaps, articulated poorly perhaps, but I'm afraid I won't get it right.

My second fear is that I will be plagued with regret of all the things I didn't do; the opportunities not seized. My fear is that rather than everlasting peace, I will be troubled by everlasting regret. Really poor theology, but every once in a while, I wonder.  Such heady stuff for a possible last post of 2011.

What I do know most of the time is this: I am enough. I am more. More that the sum of all my roles. I am happy. I am sad. I am loved. I am judged. I can judge. I am complete. I long for completion. 
I am a paradox.

As I close a rather existential post I am sitting in the basement (oops...lower level) of my old house in Vernon. My reverend is on his computer as I am on mine. The door to the upstairs (top level) is open and I can hear my tenant (my good middle son) playing PlayStation hockey with his brother, who is in Vancouver. They communicate via a headset. I'm impressed. I can only hear one side of the dialogue, but even without the continuity of the Vancouver based responses it is evident they are having fun. It is evident that the 26 year old and 29 year old are enjoying each other. They are friends. I love that!

It is my daughter's - my baby girl, 24th birthday today. She shares a house with her older brother and he made her eggs benedict for breakfast. They are friends. I love that!

As I prepare to leave 2011 it is with a smile and a sigh that I can know that even though I wasn't a perfect mother, I  have three adult children who are friends, they stay in contact and love each other. OK, they can still fight like the proverbial cat and dog, but hey, that's their stuff.

What do I know today?
I know that in my family we have love, for each other and for ourselves.
Today, with humility, I acknowledge that as I continue to be a mom, daughter, sister, get the idea...I am enough and so much more than the sum of all of the above.

In Carol's math 2 + 2 = boundless potential.

Blessing to you as you cross over from 2011 to 2012!


  1. Hi Carol .. love your maths!! Happy Birthday to the baby daughter - lucky girl Eggs Benedict in bed ..sounds great.

    The family is so important isn't it .. blessings to you too and thanks for your thoughts for the 2012 ahead .. Happy New Year .. Hilary

  2. What a wonderful post! So full of thought and so thought-provoking. I think we love God best by loving those we meet in this lifetime. When it comes to regrets, I dislike it when people say they have none - there are things we SHOULD regret - I regret any time that I was unkind or hurtful to another. But lets make a "resolution" that we will have less to regret going forward! Here's to Fewer missed opportunities! Wishing you all the best in 2012.

  3. You and your family have what matters most: love and friendship! You're very blessed!

  4. Yes you are enough Happy Birthday to your daughter and a Happy New Year to you and ALL your family :)

  5. Carol, what a tender, thoughtful post. What a pleasure to have family who love each other and are happy to spend time together supporting and caring. I love the Math!
    Happy New Year from a very hot Melbourne summer. Sue

  6. Oh my, what a wonderful post! Beautifully thought out and written. Much of it spoke to me and my experience as well. Thank you.